Posted on 17 January '12 by Crazy Woman, under Ramblings. 2 Comments.
Just over a month ago I gave a gift to someone that wasn’t received very well, in fact, the person wanted to return it to me, but it wasn’t something I could accept back. The rejection of the gift was hurtful, but what hurt the most, was the rejection of the friendship. I can only imagine the reasons, some of which I take personally, others I don’t, but I really don’t know why the person felt so uncomfortable accepting it. It wasn’t expensive, even if it appeared to be, and it was freely given without any strings or expectations of anything in return. I feel really sad about the whole thing, and it’s something I’ve thought about from time to time as I’ve tried to understand and make sense of it all.
I was thinking about the situation as I was making lunch for the girls today, and it hit me that there are probably times in ALL of our lives when we reject the gift that is freely given to us…the gift of the atonement. How often do we really use the atonement in our lives? How often do we partake of the sacrament so mindlessly that we don’t even realize the importance of such a sacred ordinance, or the promises we are making? How often do we take on the world thinking we can do it all on our own instead of using the atonement in our lives and asking the Savior for help? There have been times in my life when I’ve thought I had to be perfect, that I had to do it all on my own, and there was no room for error. However, I have found that isn’t the case at all, and I wasn’t letting the atonement do what it was meant to do…make up the rest. We do our best, our very best, and the atonement makes up the rest. The Savior freely gave His life for us so we didn’t have to do it all on our own, so there was a way to make it back to our Heavenly Father. Sometimes, we may feel undeserving to accept His gift, but it’s there whether we accept it or not, He’s just waiting for us to accept it and apply it in our lives.
Maybe this experience of having a gift I freely gave rejected was partially to help me to better understand how freely the Savior gave His life for us. He knew many would reject that sacrifice, and reject Him, but he gave His life for everyone regardless of how they would feel about Him. The gift was given, freely given, and He can’t take it back, it’s there whether we use it or not. There has never been a better example of loving others than that of the Savior. It’s something I really try to apply in my life…to love others as He loves me…freely, unconditionally, with no expectations for anything in return. Maybe that is hard for some to accept, and it’s often something difficult to do, but it is possible if we ask God for help in doing so. We need to look past the faults of others, look past race, gender, and all the superficial stuff that keeps us from really seeing who other people really are.
We are ALL children of God, regardless of our circumstances, background, or skin color. We are all children of God regardless of the mistakes we make or the way we look. I challenge everyone out there to be able to look at a person and see who they are, to see their soul, their worth, their purpose! More importantly, I challenge you to graciously accept the gifts that are freely given to you by the Savior and by others. Remember the atonement was freely given, all you have to do is reach out and accept it in your life. Do your best then let the Savior make up the rest!
Posted on 18 December '11 by Crazy Woman, under Ramblings. No Comments.
Dylan had been doing so much better, but we’ve hit a wall. He’s not as bad as he was, but he’s gradually getting there. He was laying by me a week ago, and he started to snore really loud, sometimes I can even here him from the next room. My suspicion is that he has a sleep disorder, or needs his tonsils and adenoids removed, which could be causing the snoring and preventing proper oxygen levels in his blood, altering his otherwise cheerful disposition. After talking to the psychiatrist he confirmed that I had valid suspicions and recommended I take him to see an ENT and get a sleep study at Primary Children’s. Now, its the bureaucracy of getting referrals, then waiting forever to get him in for a consultation, and I just don’t like waiting! I’m patient about some things, but this is not one of them! How does one patiently wait when their child is miserable and causing all kinds of problems at school and at home? He isn’t naughty all the time, but when he is, he is really bad. Just this last week he had a major melt down at school that carried over to home for over an hour, at which time his room became filled with curse word after curse word. All I could do was remind him I charge a dollar for every swear word he speaks…man I’m getting rich! So far he’s forked out over $30, and I still have some money to collect from him. I can’t imagine he is feeling very happy when he is acting like that, it’s as if he’s lost total control of himself. Poor kid, I just want him to be happy.
Another bump in the road is school…every time I go to start I just can’t bring myself to do it. It feels heavy, and I worry about being able to keep up with it all plus be the mom and the dad. People do it, and I did it for a while, but it just doesn’t feel right, right now. As illogical as it seems not to go to school, it just doesn’t feel right to do it right now. My enrollment counselor suggested early last week that I continue to think about it for a few more weeks, but I just don’t see my mind changing. I’ve got to go with my gut on this one. The time will come, but now isn’t that time, I am needed elsewhere right now, and my kids are my priority. I am doing other things to keep my sanity, and that will have to do for now.
Trevor had 4 impacted wisdom teeth removed on Thursday afternoon. I couldn’t believe how fast the procedure was; it only took about 30 min from start to finish. It was funny when he started to come out of the anesthetic…he couldn’t remember getting into the van. All of a sudden it was as if a fog had been lifted and he asked me with a mouth full of gauze if they had lifted him into the van. When I told him he got himself in, he just shook his head in amazement because he didn’t remember it. It gave me a giggle.
Good news! I lost 6% of my body fat in the last 30 days! It feels so good to see all my hard work and time in the gym paying off. Next goal, 5 pounds in the next 30 days. It seems like a lofty one considering we are coming up on a holiday, but I’m going to do my best! Really, that news made my otherwise stressful week feel a little lighter.
Posted on 24 November '11 by Crazy Woman, under Ramblings. 1 Comment.
This month some of my friends and family have been listing what they are thankful for everyday on facebook. I haven’t participated in that tradition this year because I was saving them up for this blog post. I’ve been thinking a lot about all the things I am grateful for and how it changes one’s perspective on life with an attitude of gratitude instead of focusing on the blessings one might be longing for. It allows me to recognize all of the many gifts and blessings I have received in my life, especially the last couple of years. Of course, Thanksgiving isn’t the only time we should be thinking of all the many things we should be grateful for, but it’s certainly a good place to start if you struggle seeing the silver lining on things.
I am grateful for the hard things that happen in my life that help propel me forward. Those hard things have taught me great lessons and help shape me into who I am today. I’m not someone that wallows in self-pitty very often, and if I’m having a hard day or day when life seems too overwhelming I give myself a certain amount of time to be sad about it, then it’s time to move on. It’s in those times of darkness that I really start to focus on the things that I do have instead of focusing on the things that I don’t. I have learned so much since my divorce, much of that learning has come through struggling and going through hard things, but I wouldn’t trade those lessons, and I don’t know that I could have come away with the learning and understanding that I have gained any other way. Now, when faced with a trial or hard set of circumstances I tell my Heavenly Father, that although this “thing” might be hard I know I will be better for it in the end, and I’m willing to do what he asks of me. So, I’m also grateful that I am able to look at a hard situation and know I will be better for it in the end, it makes going through those hard things feel somewhat bearable because I know it will be to my benefit.
I’m grateful for the laughter of my children, and each of their unique personalities. I’m thankful for the love they bring into my life, and for all they teach me even though being a mom is the hardest job in the world!
I’m thankful for the friendships in my life! I have been so very blessed with wonderful friends that have been just what I have needed in my life. It was no accident or coincidence to have come across each and every one of my friends. They each fulfill a different need I might have through the uniqueness of who they are. I couldn’t ask for better friends! They have been my support system, my cheering section, and have helped me through hard times through their encouragement, love, and listening ears. Thank you friends for all you do for me…I love you!
I’m thankful for the opportunity I have had to take care of Ava and Mia. Being able to be home with them has been a life saver for me at times. They make me laugh, are sweet, and a constant reminder of how precious life is. They teach me lessons I sometimes forget about how happy we should be that we have the gospel and the knowledge of life after this, with their declarations of gladness that they will see their mom again!
I’m thankful for autosave on my blog! My browser froze right in the middle of writing this, and if it weren’t for autosave I would have had to start all over!
I’m thankful for warm socks, my cats that cuddle with me to keep my warm, for my health, that I have a vehicle that runs, that our temporal needs are being met, and for all the opportunities I have to learn. I’m also grateful for comfy sweatshirts, the gym, sunshine, the different seasons and their unique set of sights and smell, and for toes. Could you imagine how odd looking our feet would be without toes?!? We wouldn’t have very good balance without them either!!
I’m thankful for a loving Heavenly Father who has sought fit to place me on this earth at this time. Step by step, as I follow His counsel and guidance I see the pieces of my life start to fit together, what an amazing journey. I’m grateful for the atonement and plan of salvation. I’m grateful for the Savior and His atoning sacrifice for me. What a great and loving God to bless all of his children so much! We just need to hold on with faith and courage and endure to the end with grateful hearts for all that we have been given!
*Photo credit - http://gracefulexchange.org/1-cultivate-an-attitude-of-gratitude/
Posted on 20 November '11 by Crazy Woman, under Ramblings. 2 Comments.
As I have mentioned before, the past few months have been filled with thoughts and feelings of inadequacy. It got me to thinking about all that I do have to offer someone, and the things I feel inadequate about. All of the things I feel inadequate about are really just superficial things like not being the prettiest girl, not having the perfect body, my income limitations, my athletic ability, etc. The phrase, “You are enough.” kept coming to mind a lot over the last week as I’ve prayed and contemplated about how I have been feeling about my inadequacies. It’s discouraging to be living in a world that puts so much emphasis on things that are so superficial and cannot sustain a relationship, but more times than not, this is what men and women are looking for…someone that looks like Barbie or Ken. I don’t look like Barbie, never will, those are not the genetics I was dealt, but I have come to the conclusion that individuals that are looking for that persona really are just feeling inadequate within themselves and think maybe finding “Barbie” or “Ken” will make them feel less inadequate and feel of more worth.
I can’t live up to anyone’s expectations of being, “Barbie”, and no guy should feel like they have to live up to anyone’s expectations of them looking like “Ken”. Which, brings me back to, “You are enough!”. I am enough just as I am without all the superficial crap piled up on all the “Barbies” out there. I’m genuine, and real, not some fantasy conjured up by a toy maker in a factory somewhere. What I can offer is far greater than what Barbie could ever offer with her good looks and sense of style. You, just as I, are children of God, and all that really matters is what is in our hearts, how we treat others, how we love others, our desires to do good things and live in such a way that we feel worthy of the love and affection of our God (although we are always worthy of it). One day, the right guy will see past all of the lies created by the world of what makes someone of worth, and will see ME, and what I have to offer even though I don’t look like Barbie. He will think I’m more beautiful than any Barbie out there because of who I am, not because of the way I look.
It is my hope for all of us to know we are enough, and not try to live up to the lies and brainwashing being offered by the world about what makes someone of worth or successful. The number of people you have slept with, the amount of money you make, and the world’s ideas of how one should look does not equal success. All those things equal is a sad existence in an unhappy world, enslaved by the ideals swirling around us about what success looks like as we try to live up to certain unrealistic expectations. In the end, that leaves us feeling empty, lonely, and unfulfilled.
(Image from : http://www.wednesdaynightservice.com/2011/10/26/the-delivering-power-of-gods-love/)
I have had to come to a firm understanding of who I am, what I have to offer, and to know I AM ENOUGH, just as I am. ”The worth of souls is great in the sight of God”, and when judgement day comes He’s not going to ask us how much money we made, or how beautiful or handsome we were…He will look into our hearts and judge us on the good we have done, the service we have given, our level of dedication to Him, and the way we have raised our children. Those are the things that matter, those are the things that sustain us from this life to the next, and those are the things that will sustain the relationships in our lives! Know you are loved by the God who gave you life, and that….
YOU ARE ENOUGH!!
Posted on 7 November '11 by Crazy Woman, under Ramblings. 1 Comment.
Life is full of decisions, what to wear, what to eat, where to live, what to do with yourself every single day! I’m just fine with making big decisions when I have some guidance and direction, but honestly, I haven’t had any in regards to what exactly to do with my life in preparation for changes that will be coming in the future. Nope, I was told I needed to figure it out. As I’ve prayed about not knowing what to do, I came across a scripture that said all things will work together for our good. So, these decisions have been totally in my hands, and honestly I haven’t liked not having any direction. A friend of mine wisely observed that I was looking for a guarantee that everything is going to be okay, which is why I want Heavenly Father to help me decide. She was right, I guess I was looking for a guarantee, but there really aren’t many guarantees in this life, and no matter what I choose it will work together for my good. My friend also gave me the advise to make decisions based on what I dream about doing…if we lived in a perfect world what would I choose to do with myself?
I do know, this next year is a time of preparation, part of that is doing things that will make me happy, and discovering more of who I am. Not just as a mom, daughter, or as a friend, but who I am as a person, what I really enjoy doing as a human being aside from any title I might hold. So, instead of focusing on the things I can’t do well, or the negative self-talk that leads me to more self-doubt, I’ve decided I just need to take action.
The first thing I decided to do was to exercise. Honestly, I’ve felt I’ve needed to exercise for a long time, but was lacking the motivation, but motivation came full force, and I’m hoping it keeps up as I see the changes in my body. Within the first 4-5 weeks I lost a pant size (WooHoo!), simply by watching what I ate and walking about 5 times a week! I started out slow and set a goal for myself to walk a little further every day. Right now I’m up to about 3 miles in less than an hour. It doesn’t seem very fast, but part of that has a massive hill. I started adding sprints, but I pulled a muscle or something a couple weeks ago, and have been unable to run, but I’m all healed now and will be back to sprinting this week. I’m not sure how many pounds I’ve lost…I don’t believe in scales, but I know how much I weigh now and would like to lose another 10-15 pounds. I’m not so much worried about the number as I am about how I feel about myself. The kids and I signed up at a gym, which so far, has been great. My boys are loving the access to treadmills, stationary bikes, and weight machines, and I was able to meet with a personal trainer to discuss my goals. Wow! I got my butt kicked! I kicked my own butt at the beginning of working out, but I hadn’t felt that sore in a few weeks, it was great!
As of this morning, I made the decision to go back to school. Ugh! I know! I’m so indecisive sometimes. Ultimately, waiting a couple of months was the right thing, but I decided that not going to school will drive me insane. As hard as it is to juggle school and a family, I have come to the conclusion that I need to do this for myself. I’ve never been someone that likes to sit still and feel like I’m not progressing, and for some reason not going to school feels like that to me. I made this decision without the influence of anything else going on in my life, and made it solely on what I feel will make me happy. I think I needed to be sure of the reasons I wanted to go back to school, and waiting a couple of months gave me the time to really decide and be committed to obtaining my Master’s degree for myself, and not for any other reason. I was shooting for a start date at the beginning of the year, but decided this morning not only to re-enroll, but to start in a couple of weeks. I know if I wait I will start to re-think my decision, which I don’t want to do! I’ve made the decision, now it’s time to just move forward and get going. I’m excited, really excited!
The next thing I’m going to do is try things that I have wanted to try for a long time, but haven’t done so. One of those things is to learn how to ski. I made a plan a while back with a friend of mine to learn to ski together, but she moved! Jerk! 
I live in this beautiful state with access to a half dozen ski resorts within 30 minutes, and I have never been skiing, mostly because of the cost. However, I’m going to give it a whirl. Trevor has been wanting me to learn for a few years now, and this year I’m going to make it happen.
I’d also like to ride a zip line…how awesome would that be?? AWESOME!
So far that’s my list. It may not seem very big, but school is a HUGE thing to take on, so I’m just focusing on small steps on the other things. It’s going to be a great year!
Making decision can be difficult, but sometimes you just have to make a choice and see how it feels. If it doesn’t work, pick something new!
