The Diary of a Crazy Woman

Loneliness and the Future

Crazy Woman — Tue, 17 Aug 2010 20:00:15 +0000

Wow, the last three months have been full of mixed emotions. I was lonely in my marriage, but being divorced takes on a new dimension of loneliness. My day to day routine hasn’t changed, all the same chores and duties are the same, but thoughts of what the future may hold cause me to feel both hopeful and scared at the same time. I’m able now to go out and meet new people, to find someone that I will be happy with, but it scares me all the same. I’m afraid of being hurt, and I’m afraid of never finding anyone who will love me the way I deserve. I look at my life and think, “What do I really have to offer?” I’m a 35 year old mother of 4 children with little income. I have so many flaws that I wonder if someone will be able to look past them. Part of the problem is that the last year and a half has depleted me, and I need to improve on so many things in my life that I find it overwhelming at times. I know I’m a good person, and I have a very open heart, and I think that’s why I’m so scared…I’m afraid of it getting broken, it’s been broken enough over the years, and more so recently. I guess my hope is that someone will be able to see my heart and love me for what’s in it, flaws and all. The loneliness comes from the ability to be able to find someone, yet not have anyone. It’s from years of being lonely and doing things by myself to really wanting to share it with someone. It would be so great to have someone to share family vacations with instead of just being me and the kids…I don’t think I realized how lonely I was during my marriage, it’s taken on a meaning of a whole new level. Frankly, it sucks!

I’m actually excited for school to be back in session. Not just because the kids will be back to school, but also because it keeps my mind busy, and I love learning all that I have. Summer semester was the best semester I have attended so far. The class was amazing with amazing classmates. It was actually sad for it to go. Our class bonded like no other class I have been in in just a short 7 weeks. Our teacher even mentioned at the end that the experience was definitely unique in the way we came together to support each other. It really felt like a family. It’s going to be a busy, busy semester, but the end is near!! After fall the only thing left is my internship then it’s graduation day!!! Yeah! I’m so excited about it, but it’s a little intimidating as well because that means another big change for my life. It’s out into the work force and working on a new career as well as raising a family, when I’d rather be home with my kids and the girls, but that income only goes so far.

With all the changes in my life I’m so fortunate to have such amazing friends to be of a support to me. I look back on my life and am so grateful for a Heavenly Father that knows my needs far before they happen and puts people in my life that will help me. I’m so, so thankful!! My cup certainly runneth over.

Bear Lake 2010

Crazy Woman — Thu, 29 Jul 2010 02:58:06 +0000

The only trip the kids and I will go on this summer was our trip to Bear Lake a couple of weeks ago. Matthew wasn’t able to go because he was at scout camp, so it was me, Trevor, Madison, and Dylan. We got a late start because I was having a hard time feeling motivated the night before to pack anything, leaving it all to be done the day we left. By the time we got to camp and set it up is was just after 5:00, and we headed to the lake for a few hours of fun. There weren’t many people left on the beach, but the water has risen so there weren’t many places to set up. However, the next morning we made it to the lake bright and early, pulling in around 9:00 a.m. There were actually several people there already set up, but we still had a lot to choose from. The weather started out like this, until about 1:00.

The kids didn’t care, they still had fun. Trevor spend quite a bit of time making sand castles

We also have an inflatable raft that they spent most of the day lugging around and playing in. The first ride out was pretty early on and it was just Trevor and Dylan in the boat. They started out with all three of them, but Madison dropped and ore and jumped out to get it. By the time she got and went to get back into the raft it had drifted quite a ways. Luckily, there was a girl getting ready to go out on her skidoo so I asked her if she’d see if they were ok. She towed them back without incident.

Later in the morning they went out again, but only in waters where they could touch the bottom.

Trevor lugged them around a good part of the day.

Around 1:00 the skies cleared and it turned into a beautiful day!

Dylan and Madison having fun!

We came home Saturday night. We were going to stay until Sunday morning, but the kids kept fighting and our air mattresses went flat. None of us slept well, and sleeping on the hard ground isn’t worth it when the kids can’t get along. All in all, it was a good weekend.

Silly Mia

Crazy Woman — Thu, 29 Jul 2010 02:35:58 +0000

On Monday when I put Mia down for her nap she asked me for a bucket. I let her play with toys as she drifts off to sleep. Somehow the door to the bedroom got opened so as I walked by the bedroom I peaked in and saw this….

Mia Exercising

Crazy Woman — Thu, 29 Jul 2010 02:30:36 +0000

I mentioned some time ago that I had been exercising and when I returned from getting a drink of water I found Mia following along with the instructional video. It was really cute and funny. She was really into it!

House Fire

Crazy Woman — Thu, 29 Jul 2010 02:12:43 +0000

It’s been quite a while since I’ve posted anything, and I’m finally feeling like I have something to say. I’ll just fill you in on what has happened in the last few months.

One day in May I had a lady knock on my door and was frantically asking for me. When I got to the door she told me the house next door was on fire and I needed to get my house to protect my house. I, of course, immediately went outside and low and behold, the house was on fire. However it was far enough away from my house that I wasn’t worried about my house catching on fire. My neighbor across the street said as soon as I got my house out the fire truck would be here so it was pointless.

I took this picture from my back deck. I guess the fire was worse on the other side of the house.

Firemen cutting a whole in the roof

It didn’t take too long for them to get the fire out, which was unfortunate. I really wish it had burned to the ground! I hate that house! It’s abandoned so it collects teenagers and pot heads, and who knows what else. I’ve had the call the police many times because people have broken into it. I think the police wouldn’t have been too sad if it had burned down either, they suggested getting a petition to have it “removed” because they are sick of that house too!

So, the house was saved, and it still collects vermin of all types. I think the most frequent visitor is the neighborhood pot head however. That kids is brave, walked right past my house lighting is pipe! Really?!?