Death
It’s so surreal when someone dies unexpectedly and maybe even sometimes when it is expected. You are planning a funeral, making arrangements, picking out caskets and burial plots, getting a program together, going through pictures, etc, etc, etc, and all the while you just can’t believe it is happening. I keep thinking it is a dream or something, it just can’t be real. I know my mom has felt the same way. Tonight we were talking about what she was going to wear, and she said she still can’t believe all of this is happening. I feel the same way. I keep thinking I’ll hear my dad shuffle down the hall or look in their bedroom and see him laying on the bed, which was his usual spot. We just shouldn’t be burying him yet, he was too young to die.
I have some regret about how our relationship has been over the last few years. Things had been strained, and I know that isn’t how he wanted things, but it took me a long time to get passed somethings I found very hurtful in a time when I needed his support the most – I have never held on to the disappointments of my childhood, I always felt he did the best he knew how, but a few years ago when I felt completely disrespected and unsupported in a time when I needed it most it was harder to reconcile his actions – he was older and knew better. I was finally coming to terms with things and better able to look passed the hurt I had felt, but we weren’t around each other enough to rebuild that relationship. I’m glad that I was able to take him for his surgery in November, and even though it was a little awkward at least we had that time together.
After my surgery last Thursday I was given some pictures of what things looked like and the first thing I thought was that he would think it was pretty cool (he liked that kind of thing), and I would show him the next time I was over there. Just a short 36 hours later he was gone.
It’s been three days and I still haven’t really allowed myself to cry, this is the first time I’ve even allowed myself to reflect on things. I’m afraid to go to the place of grief – I’m afraid of what I will find there, and I have too much to do to be in a dark place for too long. Maybe when the funeral is over…maybe then I can give myself a day to really cry and grieve.
Stephanie,
I think I know what you mean when you say it feels like a dream. When I think about my grandma and uncle’s passing I still sometimes think , “Did that really happen? How could that have happenend?” Your dad was too young to die. The whole situation just plain ol’ sucks. That’s the only word I can think of. I really hope you are able to find more time to reflect and to “let it all out, ” so they say.