The Diary of a Crazy Woman

Well, It’s Official

So, it’s officially final, and has been for about a week and a half. I was relieved when I heard the news, it meant being about to move on with my life and having the stress of the actual divorce behind me. Going through a divorce is never fun, I don’t wish it upon anyone, but I think for the most part we handled it well. I hope for the relationship with my children’s father to improve. We are civil to each other, but there are still some tense times as anyone could understand.

I hope for everyone to have a loving, selfless partner, and the ability to make it work. For me, it was the best thing, and I look forward with high hopes to the future and coming across the love of my life…someone who will love me, treat me with respect, and be all that I am looking for in a spouse. I’m not desperate to find someone because I know when the time is right it will happen. Until then I’m becoming more and more who I am suppose to be, getting through school, and planning a life for me and my kids. It looks like I will be moving in with my mom soon. I’ve really been hoping to avoid that, but it is what it is, and if that’s where I’m meant to be then that’s where I will go, although I still hope for a miracle that would make is so I don’t have to move right now.

I am very grateful for all of my friends and family that have been in my cheering section encouraging me to have the strength to carry on, giving me hope for what is in store for me. I am so fortunate to have such supportive friends that I can tell anything and know they will love me the same, it really is a great blessing. So, thank you for all of your kind words, words of encouragement, love, and support. I am indeed the luckiest girl I know!!

So from here on out it will be back to the more uplifting day to day posts about my kids, the girls, and anything else that may be exciting.

I was exercising last week on a mini tramp, and when I got off the DVD was still going with some instruction. I left the room to get a drink, and when I came back Mia was on the tramp following the instructor using the resistance bands and all. It was the cutest thing. I’ll post more about that when I get the pictures downloaded to my computer. The girls are growing so fast, and are so smart!! The things they say crack me up sometimes!!

Coming to an End

The divorce saga is coming to an end and should be final in about a week. I’m relieved to have it done with, but the reality of it all really sunk in on Monday. I look back at my life and for the past 16 years I’ve shared my life with this one person, someone I thought or at least hoped I would spend my entire life with. It’s bittersweet when I think about what the finality of the divorce means. Bitter that my marriage is ending and my life is now something else. I’ll no longer have the status of being married, and having that person as a comfort, now I’ll be single and doing it all alone. I felt like I did most of it alone anyway, but there is still something about having someone there whether you are happy with them or not. The sweet part is just having the stress of the divorce over, and looking forward to a future with high hopes. I try not to look too far in the future or else I get impatient, so I’m just focusing on the here and now and what I need to accomplish.

I’m in school full-time this semester, which I think is a good thing because it will keep me focused on things other than being single again, and what I’m going to do about my house. Taking classes summer semester leaves me with only 4 classes left to take once summer semester is over, one of which is my internship, then I graduate! Yeah! I can’t believe I am so close, and am finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel after 7 years of going to school. I stuck with it, and pushed through, and I’m finally at the end. It’s crazy!! When I started back to school it really wasn’t something I wanted to do, but felt prompted to do so. I’m glad that I’ve done it and have enjoyed the experience and sense of accomplishment. It has definitely been a good thing!

I don’t have any desire right now to date. I wasn’t ever very good at it in the first place, although I was only a few days past my 19th birthday when I got married. Just the idea of dating is so unappealing to me right now. When this whole ordeal began I kinda looked forward to it with great hope, but right now I’m not so excited about the idea. I think when the time is right that feeling will change, but for now I’m content being alone. My friends continue to tell me I’ll find someone else, that I’m cute and have a lot to offer someone, so I should get out there and date. I believe that, but like I’ve said before, God will have to drop someone into my life because I’m not looking.

I hope everyone out there in blog land is doing well!!

Tender Mercies

I think I’ve blogged about some of the tender mercies I have received, but today I want to add a few more. During a difficult time in my life I’ve felt more peace in my heart than maybe at any other time. I’m so thankful for the Spirit and the peace it has brought into my life. I’m thankful for the scriptures, and the comfort I have found in them. I’m so thankful for the health of my family, that I have been blessed with four children to love and be the mother of regardless of how difficult or overwhelming I find motherhood to be at times. I’m so thankful for so many things.

As far as the divorce goes, it’s looking ugly and I’m so saddened by the choices my children’s father has made in all of this. This really could have all been handled outside of attorneys. It was said by someone in my mom’s ward that the only reason to get an attorney is to financially ruin the other person because it can all be handled without them. She had an attorney in her divorce because her husband got one first, it ended up costing her $10,000!! OUCH!! I’m having FAITH in my Heavenly Father to guide me as to how I should handle the situation before me. With that direction despite what others do I will know I have done the right things, and have endured my trial well.

Ups and Downs

What a roller coast ride this is. I’ve been feeling really hurt the last couple of days for many different reasons, but today it’s over the divorce. It’s turned to a place I really, really wanted to avoid for the sake of everyone involved, but unfortunately some people aren’t concerned about everyone involved. My aunt said some wise words about finding a mate – instead of looking at how they treat their mother look at how they treat their enemies because you might be one of them some day. Boy isn’t that the truth! I was impressed with how well my husband treated his mother, but didn’t pay much attention to how he treated his enemies, boy did I miss the boat!

We went to see his attorney today, and it didn’t go well at all, first of all when we got out of the car he had the nerve to grab my butt on the way inside. WHO DOES THAT??? Seriously?? I was sobbing in the parking lot before we left and sobbed for another hour probably after that because I realized this was going where I thought it would go when involving an attorney. I’m so frustrated and hurt by what is happening!

I hope one day I will find someone who will treat me the way I deserve to be treated. Sometimes I wonder if anyone will ever love me enough to treat me right, shoot the man I’ve been married to for 16 years obviously didn’t think I was worth much, so it makes me wonder if anyone else will. Sad, sad days.

Rough Days

Today has been a really hard day with tears off and on. I’ve got so much on my plate right now with school, six kids, and a divorce. I’m trying to get through finals this week, then summer semester starts on May 3rd. I keep asking myself if I should really attend summer semester because there is so much going on right now that affects my ability to do as well as I would like in school, I’m just trying to push through school to give me and my kids some stability. I’m just so overwhelmed right now.

I’m dealing with in-laws who hate me and according to their son are putting an incredible amount of pressure on him not to pay any alimony to help keep his kids in their home. I don’t understand that at all. They are still their grandkids, despite what they feel about me, and this is their home. I don’t understand any of it. It’s really hurtful to my kids as well, and two of my kids are really angry, both of which don’t want to have anything to do with their dad or their grandparents. I’m sure that is going to be blamed on me filling their heads with lies, but that isn’t at all what has happened. Kids aren’t dumb, and they pick up on things on their own. I’m also dealing with in-laws who are paying for their son to have an attorney knowing full well I can’t afford one. We have agreed to everything in the divorce so I don’t see the point of an attorney, and since I can’t afford one I’ve cut off all contact from my children’s father except to make arrangements for the kids in order to protect myself. It makes me so sad that it has come to this. So, so sad. I know I am the one that filed for divorce but his family acts like I didn’t have any good reason to, when they were the ones last time we were separated telling me they didn’t think he’d ever change and be what the kids and I need. When I actually went to end it I became the enemy. I’m sure they are hearing that their son is hurting and it’s all my fault, but he played a part in this too. It’s just really sad.